Why am I not girly enough?

Why am I not girly enough? 
Why do I feel like I never fit in with a group of girls?
Why does my voice not sound like how cursive feels,
and my interests are never in common.
I'm too loud.
I'm not a stereotype.
I should be happy about that. 
So many women aim to break the mould of what it is to be a woman
and here I am trying to squeeze my way in.
I buy make up that I barely wear.
I try on skirts and dresses in my room
only to change into jeans before I leave the house. 
Afraid of the side-eye looks.
Of the 'where are you going dressed like that' questions.
Sometimes I wish I never tore apart my Barbies
or preferred Bayblades and arcades when I was young.
But I like who I am.
I like that my brother and I could play together as kids
or the male friends I have that don't turn their noses up at my hobbies. 
Why am I not girl enough?
Because I was not forged in a mould of my peers.

I’ve always been described as a ‘tomboy’. I was an artistic jock at school who could never sit up straight. I made better friends with the boys than the girls because I never found them that relatable. I was a weird kid, I’m happily still a weird adult. It took three years before people found out my boobs were above average because the clothes I wore hid them so well. I wasn’t comfortable in my skin for a very long time because media told me I was using it wrong. Even Lily in Hannah Montana lost her marbles when a boy walked past. I wanted to be Lizzie McGuire she made it look flawless and but I was Viola in She’s the Man tripping over my feet.

I often think about the fact that I’ve never been a girly girl. I have to stop myself from falling into that hole because I know if I was a girly girl, I wouldn’t be happy. I’m not just one mould. I have aspects of so many things. I enjoy crafts and a flowing skirt in the height of summer. I like my skincare routine and I get a high from being covered in sweat after sport or the gym. I want to be buff not ‘hot girl fit’. The term ‘girly’ is no longer pink and frills like we thought it was when we were kids. At least, it doesn’t have to be. I’m just a girl. I can’t be both. I can be neither. Why do I have to fit into a mould? Why am I not girly enough? I don’t want to be, not really.

I don’t think there’s a conclusion to this. I’m not finished thinking about, I probably never will be. Today I was a nerd, crouched over in laughter at my friends while we played Dungeons and Dragons. Tomorrow I’m going to be a librarian, glasses and all. The day after that I’m not sure, it depends on the weather and how much time I have to spare in the morning.